Exploding Tardises and Awkward Reunions
by SgtNumnum
Summary: The TARDIS explodes due to a random self-destruct button and the Doctor reunites with Rose...and also unfortunately Jack. Rated T for language.
1. The Self-Destruct Button

Exploding Tardises and Awkward Reunions

A Doctor Who Fanfiction

Author's Note: I started watching Doctor Who back in March. I'm nearing the end of season 3 now and I just have to say: THIS IS THE SECOND BEST SHOW I HAVE EVER WATCHED! (Because nothing, and I mean **nothing **can be better than Transformers). Also I'd just like to say that I don't own Doctor Who, because if I did, there'd be crossovers with Sonic, Transformers, Marvel Comics, and SpongeBob and one episode would involve a Dalek army, some stolen bacon, and a giant evil turkey rampaging through London.

Chapter 1: the self-destruct button

Clara was in the TARDIS kitchen, failing at baking a soufflé….again.

"Clara?", the Doctor called from the console room

"Yeah?", She replied.

"Are you trying to bake a soufflé again?!"

"Yes, why?!"

"Because I smell smoke, so it's either you cooking or the TARDIS malfunctioning!"

"I'm not THAT bad", she said defensively.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. Clara threw the soufflé at him. It hit him in the face. He stumbled over and fell onto the console.

"Oww!", he screamed, "What was that for?!"

"For saying I was bad at making soufflés!"

"The fact that it felt like being hit in the face by a train proves what I said!"

The Doctor glanced at what his elbow had landed on.

"Oh no, no, no, NO!", he said angrily.

"What is it?!", Clara asked

A hologram of the Master appeared in the room.

"Doctor, if you are reading this, it means that you have activated the backup plan I installed in case you could foil my plan to take over the Earth! Your TARDIS is going to explode in two minutes, which leaves me just enough time to finish my speec-HOLOGRAM MUTED"

At this point, the Doctor was messing with the controls, trying to get the TARDIS somewhere where its destruction wouldn't cause the end of the universe.

"Clara!", he instructed, "Get your things, we're about to jump out of the TARDIS!"

Clara ran to her room, where she got together all her clothes, her toothbrush, and her ….makeup stuff, and ran back into the console room.

"What do you mean: Jump out of the TARDIS?!", Clara asked, freaking out a bit (as any sane person would).

"If the TARDIS explodes, it will destroy the entire universe", the Doctor answered, "so I've flown it into the void, also known as hell, and activated a device that will send us to the nearest dimension, so yeah, jump out of it"

"Are you insane?!"

"I think so", The Doctor replied, to which Clara facepalmed, "Now what are we waiting for?!"

Clara didn't remember much of what happened next. She was sucked out through the TARDIS door into total nothingness. She couldn't breathe. There wasn't cold. There wasn't heat. There was just blackness. Then there was a bright, blinding light, and Clara heard a muffled "Oww".

She opened her eyes to see that she was on the beach. She felt a huge lump under her chest looked down to see a young man with brown hair and blue eyes smiling.

"Oh", she said, "sorry about that"

"Doctor? Is that you? I knew there'd be something different when you regenerated but I didn't think you'd turn into a-", the man asked

"I'm not the Doctor, I'm Clara. Are you friends with him or something?"

"Umm, no, he hates me. Captain Jack Harkness by the way."

"Sorry about landing on you".

"It's fine, I liked the view"

Clara would have suckerpunched him had the Doctor not fallen on top of her.

"There's the Doctor", Clara sighed.

"What-? Oh, Clara, do you have any idea where we are?", The Doctor asked.

"We're somewhere on a beach with a pervert named Jack who claims to know you"

"Oh for the love of God! Of all the people we had to crash near, it had to be him!", the Doctor complained.

"I'm right here!", Jack said defensively.

"I'm aware. Anyway, Jack this is Clara, stay away from her or I will personally tear you limb from limb and scatter your organs across multiple dimensions. Clara this is Jack, he hits on anything that breathes."

"Wait, you breathe", Clara deducted, "so, were you two-?"

"NO!", the Doctor said, "Change of topic, Jack, where the hell are we?"

"I don't know, I was clinging to the side of the TARDIS again".

"Well, how are we going to find out where we are?", the Doctor asked.

"Well, maybe we should ask someone", Jack suggested.

"Thanks Captain Obvious", Clara said sarcastically.

"Let's go!", the Doctor said, faking cheerfulness.

"Oh!", Clara said, noticing her things were scattered all over the sand, "My stuff!"

"Okay, we gather Clara's stuff, and then we find out where we are", Jack said, looking through the sand.

The Doctor held up a dildo.

"Clara, what is this?", he asked, noticeably confused.

Clara turned redder than a tomato.

"Umm, it's…umm…It's nothing", she said quickly, taking it.

Jack laughed.

"You know what that is, don't you?", the Doctor accused.

"I'll tell ya later, Doc".


	2. Where are we?

Author's note: I don't own Doctor Who. Also please don't flame, it's the first Doctor Who fic I've written.

Chapter 2: Where are we?

"Well", the Doctor said, standing up, "we're not going to find out where we are by sitting around, Geronimo!"

"Allons-y!", Jack said, mimicking the Doctor's previous incarnation.

"Oi! Don't mock me!", the Doctor replied.

"Are we going anywhere anytime soon?", Clara asked.

"Yes, and we're not bringing Harkness", the Doctor said, starting to walk towards a nearby town.

"Fine by me", Clara said, following him.

Jack started to complain, but just decided to follow them.

The Doctor and Clara walked into town, looking for directions. They walked up to a guy with glasses.

"Where are we?", the Doctor asked, "it tastes like New Zealand, are we in New Zealand?"

The guy looked confused, then answered, "hva er det du sier? Jeg snakker ikke spansk*!"

"What's he saying?", Clara asked, "I thought the snog-I mean TARDIS was supposed to translate?"

"The TARDIS exploded", the Doctor answered, then turned to the guy and said, "Hei mitt navn er legen, kan du fortelle meg hvor vi er?**"

The man answered, "Er du full mann?!***"

"Nei!****", the Doctor answered.

"Vi er på Darlig Ulv Stranden*****", the man said, walking away.

"Did he say Dalek?", Clara asked.

"No, he said we're at Bad Wolf Bay…", the Doctor said, before turning pale.

"Are you okay Doctor?", Clara asked, worried.

"Bad Wolf Bay…..", the Doctor muttered, shocked, "Rose!"

Author's note: the guy with glasses is a cameo by my brother's Norwegian friend.

Translations- (possibly not too accurate, I got 'em from google translate)

*What are you saying? I Don't speak Spanish!

** Hello my name is the Doctor, can you tell me where we are?

*** are you drunk man?

****No!

*****We're at Bad Wolf Bay


	3. Meanwhile in London

Exploding Tardises and Awkward Reunions

Chapter 3: Meanwhile in London

Rose sat on her bed, exhausted. The previous night had been rough. She'd had to chase a giant pizza monster all the way to Cardiff, and then capture it, followed by dragging it all the way back to London. 'Stupid Doctor Clone', she thought to herself, 'Why did he have to choose this week to use up his vacation time?'.

Rose was brought out of her reflections when her phone rang. She picked it up and answered, "Hello?"

"Rose, we have a situation". It was her sort-of dad.

"Is mum pregnant again?", Rose asked.

"No, we've detected a Dalek ship hurtling into our atmosphere"

"Where is it gonna land?"

"Bad Wolf Bay".

Rose paused for a moment, before answering, "I'm on my way".

She grabbed her blaster and ran outside, where she got into her car and drove to Torchwood. When she arrived, Pete was waiting for her.

"You're just in time, the ship's almost landed", he greeted.

"How am I supposed to get to Norway?", Rose asked.

"We've been working on a teleportation device", Pete said, leading her to a platform with a blue light emanating from it.

"It looks like a transmat", Rose commented.

"What?", he asked.

"Oh, nothing, just something the Doctor and I dealt with once", Rose said.

"Can I continue?", Pete asked.

"Yeah", Rose answered.

"Well, we've created it by reverse-engineering Sontaran technology, but there's a problem-"

"What's a Sontaran?"

"Oh yeah, that was before you arrived, they're evil baked potatoes with legs"

Rose looked blankly at him.

"The problem with the transmat is", he continued, "It's a one way trip".

"I can handle that", Rose replied, "now when do we start?"

"Just step on the platform and we'll do the rest".

Rose stepped onto the platform. Pete flipped a switch. The platform started to spin. Rose felt sick. Everything became a blur. Then it stopped. She was in a trash can (aka dumpster, or rubbish bin if you're British). 'Well, that turned out nicely', she thought sarcastically. She threw the lid off and heard an "oof".

"Oh, sorry about that", she said apologetically. Then she saw who'd been hit by the lid.

"Jack?", she asked, "is that you?"

"Oowwwwwwwwwwww…Rose?! Why are you in Norway?", Jack asked.

"Daleks", she replied, "which explains the blaster".

"Daleks?!", Jack asked, sounding terrified.

"Yeah, let's go!", she said.

"Wait, but-", he started.

"No time!", Rose replied, running down an alley.


	4. The Daleks Arrive

Exploding Tardises and Awkward Reunions

Chapter 4: The Daleks arrive

Author's note: I still don't own Doctor Who. Please review!

The Doctor and Clara were walking through the busy Norwegian streets.

"Who's Rose?", Clara asked.

The Doctor turned bright red for a few seconds before quickly answering, "An old friend of mine!"

"Was she your girlfriend?", Clara teased.

"ye-NO! I mean no! Shut up!", the Doctor stammered.

"She WAS!", Clara yelled. Then she paused for a second.

"I thought she would've been named 'the nurse".

A familiar-looking ship flew over their heads and crashed through a billboard, then finally landed in the water.

"What the hell was that?!", Clara asked.

"Clara", the Doctor said in horror as the water started to bubble, "Say hello to your cousins"

Six Daleks became visible.

"Very funny Doctor", Clara said unamused.

Meanwhile…

"Are you sure you don't wanna?", Jack asked.

"For the last time, I'm not gonna buy you a hypervodka!", Rose said.

**Author's Note: What did you think I was gonna write?...Oh! Perverts.**

They heard a loud, crashing noise. Then they looked to see a huge hole in a random billboard.

"The Daleks are here!", Rose said, "Come on-". She looked to see Jack screaming and running around in circles.

"Ugh, I should've expected this", Rose muttered, facepalming. Then she walked over and slapped him.

"Ow!", Jack complained.

Rose looked to the beach, and saw six Daleks rising up from the water. There was a huge crowd of people looking at them. The Daleks stood there for a few seconds, as the people took pictures and tweeted about it.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Exterminate!"


	5. Chaos Complete and Utter Chaos

**Author's Note: All of my Author's notes are now boldfaced. I still don't own Doctor Who****. Please review!**

Exploding Tardises and Awkward Reunions

Chapter 5: Chaos. Complete and utter chaos.

A blast of green light sprouted forth from one Dalek's cannon, killing someone. People started to run around screaming. Clara was separated from the Doctor and tried to call for him, but the screams were too loud for it to reach even the Doctor' superior Time Lord ears. Clara felt a sharp pain in her leg, someone had accidentally stepped on it while running. Unable to stand, she found herself face to face with a Dalek.

"You are an enemy of the Daleks", it said, pointing its cannon at her.

"Is that an egg whisk?", Clara asked nervously.

"Exterminate!"

"Didn't think so".

Before the Dalek could kill her, it was destroyed by Jack and a blonde woman, who helped her up.

"I never thought I'd be happy to see you Harkness", Clara said, "who's the blonde chick?"

"I could say the same thing about you", the woman said.

"Rose, this is Clara, Clara, this is Rose", Jack said, "Now let's kick some Dalek ass!"

The other Daleks had spread throughout the city, so the three split up to look for them…after Jack gave Clara a blaster, of course, otherwise it'd be suicide.

Jack found one terrorizing mannequins at a mall.

"Exterminate!", It yelled annoyingly.

Jack aimed the blaster and pulled the trigger. It was out of ammo.

"Shit…Well, here we go again", Jack groaned, before being killed again.

Meanwhile, Rose found another one in a highway blowing up cars.

"Guess I don't have to deal with this one", She said as it was hit by a bus and knocked over.

Clara found the last Dalek destroying statues. She shot…..and missed every time.

"I'm going to die", she muttered, "good thing there are all those copies of me"

The Dalek was about to shoot her when the Doctor jumped out of a three story window and sonicked it.

"Geronim-OWwwwwww!", he yelled, hitting the floor.

"Wow that was embarrassing", Clara commented as the Dalek's shell opened, "Holy crap! That's what they look like?! And I was one of them!?"

"Get rid of it!", the Doctor ordered, before muttering, "Guurrt…rid…neutron flow….jelly baby" and fainting.

Clara grabbed the Dalek and threw it in front of the bus that hit the other one. Dalek guts and slime splattered everywhere.

"Well Clara, let's go before Harkness finds us!", the Doctor said, mostly sane.

"But the TARDIS exploded", Clara said, confused.

"Well, I met a clone of me in the banana isle of a grocery store and a few years ago I left him here with a baby TARDIS, which he decided to return now", the Doctor explained.

"Oh, okay", Clara said, "let's go!"

The two stepped into the new TARDIS, which had the old coral interior.

"I really missed the coral", the Doctor said.

"What?", Clara asked.

"The TARDIS's interior changes, usually when it rebuilds itself after being damaged", the Doctor replied.

The new TARDIS started to dematerialize just as Rose and Jack caught up to it.

"Looks like I'm stuck here again", Rose sighed.

"And now I'm stuck here", Jack said.

"Shit".

Meanwhile in the TARDIS, Clara was baking a soufflé. Then the Doctor barged in.

"Clara?", he asked.

"What?", Clara replied.

"How did you get the blaster?", The Doctor questioned.

"Well there was a blonde woman named Rose, and she gave me her spare gun", Clara answered.

"And you didn't think to tell me?!",The Doctor asked.

"Nope", Clara answered, "now get out of here, I'm baking."

"You don't need to tell me twice", the Doctor said, hurrying away.

The End.


End file.
